afraid

i'm afraid.

i've been afraid that i cannot control myself, that i cannot discipline myself as i always could.

it's been my faith that i can control myself not to make any mistakes, to act propoerly, to take actions that will only bring me benefits.

and now it's so clear that i cannot control myself from falling into that obvious trap again.

perhaps it's because i'm evil in nature, and that's the revenge for me.

i cannot stop myself from those wild fantasies, fulling understanding that they will never come into truth. and i can neither have the confidence that we won't change nor the confidence that we are. i'm even not sure about myself.

maybe when sunlight comes to hong kong once again, i will be freed.

i'm sorry, although "Love means never having to say you're sorry". this trademark quote of Erich Segal's Love Story makes me even more confused.

why i feel sorry, when i dunno whether there's love, when i dunno why i look like that. because i'm evading? because i feel inferior? because i could not insist on my previous decision? or merely because i've already known that every possible ending is not a good one?

sap 2006.05.29
決定．誰都不愛

怪詩一首

正方體懸浮在空中
緩緩地轉動
射出萬丈光彩
絢爛的姿彩
於霧裏流轉
滑出厚片

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sap early 02.2006

20060509 月夜偶作

之一．
或得西風捲明月
雲起風湧
半月引風惟我知


之二．
恨君知否我將嫁
卻得菊問
誰家

之三．
得得　失失
得失　失得

========
誰知冷風就清月？
sap 09.05.2006

如此而已

「我將在茫茫人海中尋訪我唯一之靈魂伴侶。得之；我幸。不得；我命。如此而已。」

很喜歡徐志摩的詩。知道他是在初讀《再別康橋》時：「我輕輕的揮手，不帶走一片雲彩」是那樣灑脫，卻又帶有一點傷感。

「我將在茫茫人海中尋訪我唯一之靈魂伴侶。得之；我幸。不得；我命。如此而已。」

當徐志摩決定追求林，決定和張離婚後，就在報紙上登了離婚啟事。他的老師梁啟超看到後，就給徐寫一封信，告誡他、奉勸他「萬不可易別人的痛苦換自己的幸福」。徐寫了回信，其中就有上句。

當中讓人印象最深的應該是「唯一」和「靈魂」對心靈的震撼，又或者是「得之；我幸。不得；我命」對命運的了然吧。

自然，以徐的功力，每一句都能引起人內心的共鳴。然而，最令我難以忘懷的，是「如此而已」四字。內裡包含幾許深情、專一、無奈、神傷……要捨棄多少，才能說出這四字？

我也想說出這四字。願我有這勇氣。

＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝＝
如此而已
sap 03.05.2006