afraid

i'm afraid.

i've been afraid that i cannot control myself, that i cannot discipline myself as i always could.

it's been my faith that i can control myself not to make any mistakes, to act propoerly, to take actions that will only bring me benefits.

and now it's so clear that i cannot control myself from falling into that obvious trap again.

perhaps it's because i'm evil in nature, and that's the revenge for me.

i cannot stop myself from those wild fantasies, fulling understanding that they will never come into truth. and i can neither have the confidence that we won't change nor the confidence that we are. i'm even not sure about myself.

maybe when sunlight comes to hong kong once again, i will be freed.

i'm sorry, although "Love means never having to say you're sorry". this trademark quote of Erich Segal's Love Story makes me even more confused.

why i feel sorry, when i dunno whether there's love, when i dunno why i look like that. because i'm evading? because i feel inferior? because i could not insist on my previous decision? or merely because i've already known that every possible ending is not a good one?

sap 2006.05.29
決定．誰都不愛